Why Does Grey Hair Equal Old?
This is Dr Bajinder Banwait, a 46 year old, clinical psychologist from the UK, specializing in child and adolescent mental health. And this is the story of her grey hair journey.
Her parents dyed their hair from the moment they had their first grey hair. “I have always been surrounded by people that dye their hair,” she says. “The pursuit of youth is very present in the Indian community. Moreover grey hair is ridiculously regarded as a barrier to happiness, marriage and beauty.
I had a single white hair from a very young age. In the punjabi community the first white hair is said to be symbolic of commonsense or wisdom. So I was very proud of that single hair. My grey hair became more noticeable in my late 20s. As so many around me at the time I started to dye my hair. Upon reflection I don’t even think I thought there was any other option.
Dying my hair became so tiresome. My hair started falling out. As my roots started not to take to the dye the sense of disappointment became bigger. Upon reflection I think there is a lot of shame associated with aging. You quickly cover up the greys to avoid the embarrassment of aging. How ridiculous does that sound! I think there was no coincidence that my decision to ditch the dye came during the covid lockdown. What the pandemic afforded me with was time for self reflection. I soon realized for me dying my hair was soul destroying.
I was blindly accepting that aging was something to cover up. I was acting out of a position of shame and embarrassment. I didn’t want to have those emotions to contend with so I ditched the dye. No longer did I need to feel embarrassed or ashamed. What followed was liberation. The relief was enormous and and my soul felt lighter. I had released societal baggage that didn’t belong to me. I no longer accepted the negative projections of anti aging on my roots!! I came back to my roots.
My husband’s hair has been grey for many years. He was confused at first when I said I was going to ditch the dye. Foolishly he said that I was too young to go grey and that would I consider delaying this until the children had left school. This was actually a wonderful opportunity for me to educate him on the hypocrisy and double standards about aging for women. I wonder at the time whether his reaction was based on him thinking “I was letting myself go”. As so many people out there, there is an assumption that ditching the dye means giving up on oneself. We had many discussions and for me it was important that he understood my decision. As he too would have reactions to deal with. The discussions empowered my resolve to ditch the dye.
My children have been part of the journey. Again I was mindful that they may have had negative reactions of others to contend with. Therefore I consciously point out every amazing silver sisters hair that I see. I am very lucky that both of my children have positive images Elsa from frozen, Storm from x-men etc so they actually think mum is cool. My daughter often says my hair is soft and sparkling. Any doubts that I may have had or any negative comments are not shared with my children. I kind of think that children will accept decisions that we are confident in making. I love it when either of my children say “your silvers are growing mummy”. Melts my heart.
I ditched the dye and the process started. I am in no rush to speed up the process so did not consider bleaching or dying.
At first I think I shocked everyone around me. I am not about converting anyone else to do the same. As I accept my decision I also accept those that continue to dye their hair. Many people have said that they would love to stop dying their hair but they do not have the confidence to do so. I think this decision takes an abundance of confidence and strength. As our decision forces others to question their decisions. Whenever anyone is negative I let them be, as their reactions are for them to contend with.
I have been told that I do not look older. Moreover that I look glamorous and graceful. My sisters are very supportive and often share my photographs with their friends. I think they are very proud.
I think at the heart of ditching the dye is about a process of acceptance. I accept that I am aging. When you go with the flow of life; life is so much easier. I have been inspired my so many silver sisters on IG and I share my journey to give back. If you are considering ditching the dye only do it if it fits for you. There are days when you may want to reach for the dye. On such days ask yourself if a change in the color of your hair will give you what you seek. Or again are we projecting our insecurities on those innocent strands of hair. The color of our hair is not as relevant as the reasons we chose to dye or not dye our hair. I have released so much of life’s irrelevances. I am empowered and I hope your decisions empower you.”
You can follow Dr Banwait’s journey @silver_enroute on Instagram.
